I climbed and climbed and climbed…and when I would take a moment to breathe I would look around at how blue the sky was, how amazing the mountains were, and I gushed at the fact that I was outside, it was above fifty degrees, and I could wear a tank top as the Spring air kissed my skin.
I dreamed of camping, of doing this everyday, of the balance of sun and rain showers, of the warmth that is a little more comforting to me in this season of crazy than the out of nowhere snow storms.
Last week at work I was doing an incredibly repetitive and mundane task, but in those moments of repetition, when all I could focus on was getting fresh air, I had a moment where I realized God is doing something crazy big with this crazy season and with this crazy life.
I literally muttered to myself, “this is nuts…”.
It’s nuts because we are all beyond busy. We want to do less of the work that wakes us early and keeps us late and dream more, read more, be outside more, connect more…we want more of everything we can’t have in this season. I dream of the days where I get to go to bed at a reasonable hour, where I wake up early and work out in the mornings instead of blocking out the only free two hour window that falls sporadically, where I get to write and set goals, and where I get to spend my evenings relaxing. That’s also nuts. It’s nuts of me to think because who am I kidding…
I probably won’t get less busy in this next season of life if I am thinking realistically.
Then it hits me again, I will always want what seems out of reach.
After I finished the two hours of mundaneness and blankly stared at the ceiling, I was shocked and paralyzed by all I had to do. I have absolutely no way of knowing if I will get it all done. I walked outside and my lungs were freed by fresh, warm air. I drove to the trailhead even though I just wanted to go home to start cranking out this to-do list. Then when I got to the top I didn’t want to get down. I felt like I was above it all, not in a prideful way, but in a way where I felt like God was letting me look around for a minute. He was letting me see a glimpse of something special.
One of the guys behind me said to his friends,
“Wow this is beautiful, but I wish it didn’t have the highway in it.”
I disagreed and my heart shook it’s head because there were cars being driven by people surrounded by the mountain majesty of our city. Those people who are living in this same whirl wind kind of crazy, in this same place, are people who are struggling, people who are striving for a better world…maybe they are believing that God is doing a mighty work in them too or maybe they are at disbelief that He is even real. But I loved seeing my city from that view, highway and all, because it reminded me that with everything there is eternal value. There’s a heart and a story behind every face. Maybe you are in a whirl wind season too…and your next steps are clear as mud or a little foggy. Maybe you’re grasping for air or dreaming of what you don’t have capacity for.
You will always want something different.
Just like in this season I want the less stressed, less busy, less complicated life but then I will want to fill my days with meaningful work. Meaningful, kingdom work, that takes sacrifice and time.
Or just like I wanted to desperately to be outside but at the same time I just wanted to go home. I often find myself torn between two options. I often find myself concluding that I am crazy because I equally want both.
Sometimes though we have to make the choice and be ok with it. I’m ok with the busy, and I am ok with putting the to-do list on hold to take care of my heart. I’m ok with both.
I loved being that high up because I felt like God was letting me have a glimpse of what it will be like to be outside of this season, to be beyond it. It might not get lighter or less busy or easier…but I feel like through whatever story He has planned He is going to grant me little glimpses like this one. He is going to continue to reassure me that He will never let me down, that He is always faithful, and that this story is pieced perfectly together even though at moments it feels disjointed and rugged.
There’s going to be beauty…and this whirl wind kind of crazy is already beautiful. Amongst all we are doing and accomplishing and reworking we are granted precious moments where God wants us to let Him interrupt. He wants us to see that all of these little pieces build together, His incremental work.
You are a part of something much bigger than you know…