I’m not here to write about how frustrating it is for people to ask if you’re dating anyone.
We may have common ground in the season of singleness…being set up on dates, getting your heart quickly fixed on the idea of a guy or a girl you’ve just met, or silently telling people to quit posting about their love life on social media because it’s basically pouring salt in your wounds.
But that’s not why I’m here, I’m not here to relate.
So if you were expecting a post that you can share to slap your Facebook friends in the face with a “so, there!” I’m awfully sorry to disappoint you. However, I would encourage you to keep reading…
Many of my dear friends are either married, engaged or in a committed relationship with the man or woman of their dreams. The one that they’ve prayed for, that their people have prayed for, for them.
While I am happy for them and ecstatic they have found their person, my heart can’t help but sink when I get the question “When will that be you?”.
I don’t know when that will be me.
If you’ve ever asked me, or anyone else that, I’m not angry at you. You don’t have to worry…I feel the void, the emptiness, the loneliness. I’m not naïve or unaware of it. One thing is not like the other in my line up of friends and that’s pretty clear. I’m thankful you care so much to ask me that. It means the world to me that you think about my future and want me to be in love with an amazing man. I sincerely hope and pray that one day I will have that privilege.
Sadly, I thought it was abnormal to not be in a committed relationship or to not be engaged by this point in my life. Which, friends, is nutty bananas because I am only twenty one. ONLY. Age is but a number and it doesn’t matter how old we are…because we want and crave love. It is that season where seeing engagement announcements are routine and I get can trapped in the mindset that I am on the outside looking in.
My heart feels fragile and a little lost for hope some days.
Our circumstances of busyness and every day life consistently present opportunities for the splintering voice of fear to pierce our worthiness. At the end of the day we want our someone. We want someone to process it all with. We want someone who will help us when our days present too much for us to do on our own. We want that person to tell us we are doing the best we can. We want that person who will turn our alarm off and let us sleep in for once in a blue moon. Or if you’re like me, coffee is your love language and sometimes it’s nice for someone to make it for you. Support, affirmation, and encouragement are ways we receive love.
It’s not abnormal to desire that.
Since I wasn’t getting those things from the one person I don’t have yet I’ve spent too much time upset. I haven’t spent as much time praying for Jesus to unveil things in my own heart. I haven’t spent time reflecting and sifting through the accomplishments and the messy because realistically there’s both. I haven’t spent as much time pursuing my dreams and my heart’s passions. I haven’t spent as much time in conversation. I’m too tired for all of that. So I’ve distanced myself from it.
I’ve distanced myself from writing, from being too vulnerable, from learning more about myself because in the back of my head those are all small things that show more of the “mess” in me. I’m scared those things will reveal my mess to the people who aren’t “sold” yet. I may still be on their trial run. I could show one more part of my heart and it will make or break how that person perceives me.
Then after all of that has run through my brain by being asked,
“When will that be you?”,
I get the question, “Are you still single?”…
the voice of doubt says…
Yes, I am still single because I haven’t fixed A, B, and C about myself. I’m still single because I might say too much too soon. I’m still single because I don’t think I am attractive enough for a guy I would be interested in dating. I’m still single because my life feels like a tornado swirling around scattering everything…but honestly I feel ok with who I am. I have a lot to be proud of while there’s still a lot to work on, but isn’t that everyone? So, I don’t know why I’m still single.
Then the voice of God says…
Sweet Celeste, don’t get defensive. No one pointed out those things in you…you’re pointing them out in yourself. You’re labeling yourself and discrediting My creation. Remember, you will never be perfect. Remember, I’ve wired you and designed you for relationship and conversation. Remember, you are beautiful. Remember, I have laid passions on your heart. Remember, this season is one that I have planned. It’s one I have designed for you to be present in today, with what I hand you. And when I hand you the gift of a relationship it will be in MY perfect timing, all according to plan…
Still being single means that there’s anticipation and excitement for today. It means learning and a lot of growth. It’s means being confident and comfortable in who you are. It means fighting for vulnerability. It means choosing celebration, joy and laughter. It means bravery in this season and proudly voicing it. It means developing deeper friendships. It means that Jesus gets to lead and unveil an incredibly personal story.
And that’s all wonderful.