As I was writing, I had a realization. One of my friends consistently provides encouragement by saying this and saying it often,
“Just remember who you are and who God says you are.”
It’s never harsh or heavy handed. It comes from a true place, a place of experience and wisdom. Today, I realized that for the longest time I’ve known and seen who God says I am. I’ve had a sense of where He’s called me, and He’s always made His direction clear.
I just don’t always think just me is good enough.
This season has been incredibly trying, probably one of the most difficult seasons I’ve ever had. As a lot of you have probably experienced, when we are messy and hurting we don’t want everyone to know. We want to be able to continue to uphold the demands of every day life like we are perfectly fine and nothing’s wrong.
But when I’m alone, and it’s just me and Jesus, He sees all of my struggle.
Not just the parts I want to share with Him, but whether I like it or not, He sees it all.
As I read through the gospels and the story of Jesus being placed on trial for being the Messiah, the Son of God, I see His trial was the furthest thing from fair.
I also get emotional every time I read it, every time I read of what He endured to pay the price for us. The heaviness doesn’t stop there, because He wants and desires to walk with us and we pretend that we can do it all on our own. He didn’t pay it all and call it quits.
He paid it all and kept pursuing.
He didn’t fight back because He wasn’t fighting to prove a point.
He was giving it all for us and He knew what that meant.
And as I am in one of the most difficult seasons I’ve ever encountered where there’s the potential for change, there aren’t many answers yet, there’s a lot to do, and it feels like I can’t doing anything right or that I’m not good enough or have enough time to be the best at everything…I break.
I break at the knees, and with a heavy chest and sweating palms I realize that He fulfilled the demands for me. He died and rose to open the invitation of salvation. He died and rose so that I can walk, knowing I won’t be perfect, but He met perfection for me. I can hustle all I want but maybe He’s calling me into acceptance and safety. Maybe he’s telling me that I am good enough only because He made me good enough.
I need to listen. I need to listen close.
I keep fighting Him subconsciously, thinking I am in full surrender and abandon, thinking that I can play a part in winning my own battles but I can’t. I can be the best I can, not the best of who I am plus the best of someone else. Who I am called and made to be is entirely and uniquely in God’s own image, and the same is true for you. Comparing that personal calling to others is treacherous, uphill, and damaging.
In my difficult season, where I am fighting myself and adverse circumstances I am also being entirely too self-critical. I’ve been pushing away His definitions, reassurance and encouragement because I’ve wanted to avoid contentment. I haven’t thought I’m there yet. He knows I’m not there yet either, and I won’t be for a long while, but that doesn’t mean I’m not written as His or can’t accept grace and comfort.
He is there and He is waiting. He is standing me up and telling me to keep walking, to not be afraid of when I might not measure up, because He holds me, guides, me and protects me the entire way through fearlessness and bravery.
Even when I am trembling on the inside, being able to continue on is made a little bit easier, and the weight of life is lighter because He finished it.