Finding Yourself Again…and Again.

Oh, friends. Here we are again.

Too much time has passed since I have put down any thoughts or feelings and I am in this weird space of changing seasons feeling like there is something to share, feeling like I want to get back into the habit of writing on a regular basis, feeling like I miss the podcast, but most of all feeling like I miss the creative parts of myself that made me feel the most alive in previous seasons. I will be driving somewhere, listening to a song, and missing the hours I spent in the dance studio in high school and college. Not only creatively, but the way that it felt safe. I felt capable, like I knew what I was doing, and challenges like difficult choreography or elevating a skill were welcomed because when I looked in the mirror I knew who I was. Today, it doesn’t feel the same.

I’ve been going to dance classes more this year than in the past few because I miss it and I have been trying to find myself again. Moving, grad school, working multiple jobs, renovating a house, and starting to see clients has really left me feeling quite desolate. It’s not that I’m not enjoying where I am because I really do. Being in Colorado again has been so life giving for both Brandon and I and us collectively but I’ve found that I have been moving so fast that when I catch myself in the bathroom mirror I think, “who is she?” and the unrecognizable reflection casts doubt and regret that I’m showing up for everyone else but me.

But we are taught to be that way. We are taught (especially in white, Christian, evangelical circles) that we should give ourselves away for the sake of others. And I love that I have community and family and clients that I can willingly give myself away to, but maybe eventually this repetitive, non reflective, self sacrifice will end up costing those I love and care about more than it will serve them. So I decided I don’t want any regrets…I don’t want to be 80 and think “what if I danced again? would I feel differently than I do now?” and I signed up for a class.

I went and it was hard. It was really hard and if you have been an athlete of any kind and have had years away it is really hard to recognize that you aren’t where you used to be. I’m having to rebuild everything I knew. My flexibility, my ability to remember choreography, my ability to look in the mirror and see a woman who isn’t the same size as the girl who 10 years ago took this class and would have crushed it and four others in the same day. But then the teacher said this…

“The best thing about this combo is when you f*** it up. It’s not meant to be perfect.”

Sometimes we don’t realize that our ability to encourage with our words might be the moment where someone decides to keep going. We need the people who are going to tell us we are doing the thing that will lead us back to ourselves and that it might not feel great right now but we are going to get there.

When we become adults, often we lose the things that make us feel joy for the sake of being responsible, being good at it, or for having time. I would argue that we need to make time, that we don’t have to be good at it, and that we are being responsible by taking care of our souls in the ways that nurture that little voice inside of us that says “I wish I could do that”, you can. It’s not too late to start, revisit or return to something that makes you feel more like yourself.

What is the thing that you are missing or craving? Are you scared to return to it out of fear that you don’t have the time? that you won’t be good at it? that you might fail and other people will see? Now, I would ask you what is at risk if you never go towards it? Is it a piece of yourself that you might never get back or fully know again? The risk seems worth it to me… Even in writing this blog post I am wondering if it will get the same amount of traction as my other posts. What if my words aren’t creative enough? Am I getting to the point? Do people even care? The questions and doubts will always stand in our way but maybe seeing yourself is worth pushing through.