He asked me… “what do you want to be when you grow up?”
My initial answer was to deflect my true dreams with a joking response.
But then I got serious. I said what was true.
“If I could really pick anything I would be an author.”
After discussing it a little bit more, I said, “Well maybe someday!”
“You have time.”
“You have all the time in the world.”
Sometimes I need other people to dream for me.
Sometimes I need permission to dream for myself.
I’m a One on the Enneagram. My inner critic is harsh and loud, which makes peoples silence echo and their encouragement resound in the deep places.
I may have all the time in the world, but I also want to intentionally be creating for the sake of contributing something to the world, not for the sake of my own platform.
As I am walking into 2018, I have realized I’ve never really been much of a goal setter when it comes to New Years resolutions. They stress me out, become easily forgotten, and seem too trendy for my taste.
Last year, I began using Lara Casey’s Power Sheets for goal setting and they are a dream!!
2017 was a year full of trying and trying again, and even learning HOW to set goals.
My boss is a massive goal setting proponent. He believes in them all the time. He’s a total visionary which makes goals the gateway to how he sees dreams come alive. He loves them and loves even more when goals become healthy habits that in turn make us better people. Better employees, spouses, family members, leaders, and followers of Jesus.
I can thank him for the goal and habit of an intentional prayer life, and another handful of healthy habits.
The border of my closet door acts as my prayer wall. I write things, names, requests on white notecards with a gold sharpie and intentionally pray over them. I see it everyday. I pray over those things everyday.
The first one I wrote down was “the book”.
And to be honest, that is my greatest dream. It is my greatest dream beyond relationships and reality to breathe life through words on tangible pages that someone can hold and internalize and let sing them a new song.
That dream is bold and a little bruised and I believe it’s coming, but not yet.
This post isn’t an announcement of pursuing a dream, but it is an ask for accountability and a command to myself to restructure this really messy, wonderful life that I have to do more of what makes me come alive, and more of what I feel like God gifted me to do.
This year, I spent way too much time thinking. Too much time questioning if my words were even worth writing, praying to become a morning person, writing down ideas and saying I would come back to them later and not actually doing any of it. I took little baby steps, got there sometimes, but for the majority I stayed.
So this year I am cutting out in order to cut in.
In 2017, I also took a sabbatical from social media. It was a glorious month of spending more time face to face and not losing hours of potential creativity getting sucked into the deep abyss. Away from that month, social media was an escape of feelings, productivity, and moments that are the most important but that I willingly lost.
So in 2018, in an effort to write more whether it’s good or not, I am quitting being absorbed by social media posts and only allowing myself to post on Instagram once a week. I’m going to use a unique hashtag #LestesLess2018, to then look back at my year of the best moments worth sharing, and hopefully remembering all the times I passed on posting to have a more soulful encounter.
I am praying for more soulful encounters where my fingers release joyous songs and bleeds of brokenness, where I go back to what brings me the most life and hope that it touches other people too. I’m going back to what makes me the most productive and makes me feel the most myself.
I am praying that I go back to a place where I believe in myself a little bit more, and think of myself a little bit less.
I am praying that I encourage people more eye to eye rather than mystically through the internet, that I spend more time on my living room floor with coffee and hearing out hearts. I am praying that I come to more resolutions instead of picking up my phone and aimlessly scrolling to escape into others lives for a minute, which really turns into hours.
I am praying that I remember moments instead of only being concerned with how to capture a memory. I am praying that I will become more of myself again.
I’m not only praying for my writing, but I making things visible and tangible so that I spend more time learning, growing, and improving. I’m going to plug the piano back in and learn the guitar and continue to pick up my camera. I’m going to spend less time re-watching Gilmore Girls and more time turning pages. I’m going to spend more intentional time loving my family while they are close and in proximity and not take it for granted. I’m going to spend more time doing things that scare me and make me uncomfortable. I’m going to try and try and try again, but what I also know is that in order to accomplish these things I am going to have to make room.
Bob Goff always says every Thursday you should quit something in order to say a better yes.
Well friends, it’s Thursday, and I’m quitting something. And it just so happens it’s the last Thursday of 2017.
Cheers, friends! Cheers to dreams and trying and trying again, to prayers written on index cards, and our best efforts.