I live in one of the most beautiful and breathtaking places, hands down.
As I am driving West, I see the striking mountains that look as if they have risen out of the ground simply to match the Colorado sky in the most perfect way. For those moments, where I am lost in wonder and in awe of creation, I forget about this difficult season.
This has been one of the most draining seasons. I’ve made a lot of decisions, moved forward, held back, dreamed, and feared that life and time may never be on my side. I’ve dealt with a multitude of health issues, feeling a lack of self worth, a lot of busyness, and tension inside my family. I’ve watched doors close and other doors open. I’ve felt and seen my perfectionism take a tole on my heart. I’ve fought hard for my motivation and I’ve realized that sometimes resting is the perfect remedy rather than fixing anything up to just prove I’m capable. I’ve held myself to a high standard, that isn’t unattainable, but maybe it is unattainable for me in this season.
Maybe I just need to accept that.
Sometimes the desires of our heart don’t perfectly align with God’s plan for us. In those moments, days, and seasons I can feel disposable. I let the arrows of lies take stabs at my worth and my value. My worth and my value that doesn’t even rest in anything I could ever accomplish. Sometimes I don’t see how He could possibly be preparing me for where I feel like I need to go. The thought process is difficult, it’s messy, and it’s a gritty struggle that affects how we feel and process internally in conjunction with how we perform externally. It’s a battle we fight on a daily basis, to choose to see the good and have hope. Even on the harder days when it feels like anybody and anything is out to get us.
The good news is that these seasons, with a lot of push and pull, really do prepare us for where we need to go. Even when we don’t see it, our God is working intricately to reveal His plan to us in His perfect timing. That’s hard for me to wrap my mind around because in this season my mind operates in to-do lists and is constantly striving for what’s next. I don’t like feeling stagnant, complacent, or stuck. This season I have felt more stuck and hindered than I ever have. I have felt like I am ready to take off because I’ve been timid for too long. I’m on fire, yet the reality is that I don’t get to decide what comes next or when.
I dream of constant humility, patience, and a fire that never fades, but I’m human.
I have to bring myself back to a true place where I seek humility, patience, and a flame that refuses to be extinguished in whatever season, wherever I am.
The grace of this season has me singing with every breath and every tear. I find myself coming to humbling realizations in the car on busy days, while cooking to aid my newfound health restrictions, or even when I am running and I feel like my heart could just drop out of my chest. All these small, uphill, battles have added up. I’ve felt a true brokenness that is desperate for God’s love and promises. When braving the hard stuff, His love becomes even more tangible and real because whatever we are going through is forcing us to run in the direction of our Heavenly Father.
His love asks us to give up control so that He can carry us.
So that He can show us everything we need to see.
So that He can protect us in areas we may not even know we need a shield.
His love quiets our minds and stills our hearts.
His love reminds us that we need Him above all.
I am so thankful, because He has sustained me through all the days I didn’t feel like myself and when I let all the lies hold me captive. Not once in this season have I seen the difficulties as punishment because I don’t think that’s how God works. He carries us through the hard moments and seasons to teach us and show us important things about Himself. I am so grateful for that. He has poured love over me and wrapped me in grace more than I ever thought possible.
So, I am going to keep driving, and keep moving forward. I am going to keep hoping, praying, and believing, throughout all that I am and ever will be, that He is good.
That He is good all the time.
Even when braving the hard stuff…