The Question…

There was a season, five or six years ago, where I was heavily seeking peace and comfort. And very deep down I knew there was only One answer, but I couldn’t see past a limited flicker. It was so dim, half the time I ignored it. I couldn’t bring it to the surface to let it spark. I look back and I see where God’s protection ransomed me from destruction. As I stock piled sin and failure He still loved me relentlessly and intervened as any good Father does. He was nudging me, bringing me closer, redirecting me to Him who was greater.

Over the past couple months there is a question that is pronounced boldly. It hangs right in front of my face, but it takes me back to that season. Through books, speakers, and conversations I am called into giving this question an answer…

What breaks your heart?

Sometimes I hear this question and I think that I need to serve more, do more, be more in order to better fit and serve the areas that do break my heart. If you’re not doing anything or dabbling around self focused and hopping around from puddle to puddle of non commitment then this may be true for you. You may need to think of what you need to add, adjust, or change to refocus your life.

The answer to this question also might not be quitting your job and reversing your life completely, which is often what I feel like I have to do in order to make a change or impact. You may need to, you may be convicted and know that God is leading you in a different direction. There are seasons for both. I have seen both. He speaks to us in these moments, maybe not audibly and maybe not clearly, but He tells us something. Even if it is just to be patient and just “Trust Me…”. He will tell us to move, stay, or wait in His perfect timing.

How can I go deeper and press into my calling more? 

What am I doing that is half hearted right now that God has laid on my heart for a reason?

What is He asking me to pick back up and run with?

What truly, raggedly, and devastatingly breaks my heart?

Then we get on this adrenaline kick, we see our answers to this question right in front of us and we take off running…but a half mile in and we begin to hear whispers…

You’re not good enough.

No, you don’t have it figured out yet.

You can’t move forward, you are stuck.

Look at all of your mess, your sin, your brokenness…you’re too corrupt by this world to be any good.

Sweet child, it’s all lies. This season I have really had to dig into my brokenness. There are ties between the difficult seasons and my calling. I’ve had to take a close look at all the pieces, some are more in tact than others but the pain, shame, and fear pierces me equally.

I’ve realized that it’s possible to rejoice and reflect at the same time. Because while I am sifting through all of the unpleasant baggage that has the holes, the broken strap, and the busted wheel, I have seen the intricacy of God’s sovereign hand. My word, it’s so good.

So now {each year, each season, each day} I look back. I look back at what He’s done, where He’s saved me and I couldn’t even see it was Him yet. But I had a hunch. And now truth and light and a blazing wildfire shine on those moments where I know He was there…protecting me, guiding me, ready to carry me when things would get too hard. I look at seasons of my life that consisted of a lot of waiting and seasons where my life has snow balled in the right direction. At times I couldn’t see but a few minutes ahead of me, sometimes it was hard to breathe, sometimes I was convinced my fear had won. I couldn’t see what God was doing all the time. I pleaded that my faith would overtake my fear,

But Lord, today {and everyday} I rejoice.

I look back on my past and I see what breaks my heart. I see where God has me and desires me to be. I see areas where He’s calling me to do better, where I am supposed to dive in, where I am supposed to step back, where I need to be more selfless, where I need to change, add or adjust…

And He asks me to step forward and continue running,

Fearless.